I Did Not Know How to Hold Your Heart ~ A letter to self

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Posted on October 19, 2020

Dear One,
I am sorry I did not know how to hold your heart.
I am sorry I hurt you and that I did not respect your boundaries.
I am sorry I ignored your needs and allowed others to dictate your worth.
I am asking for forgiveness for the parts I played in your sadness, pain, doubt and grief.
But I also am inviting you to recognize your ability of feeling the depths of your shadow which mirrors your ability to love.
I thank you for your bravery and courage of wading through the depths and working so hard to keep your heart open.  
Thank you for being on this path of true expansion and transformation, no matter how messy it gets and how misunderstood you might feel at times.
I promise it is worth it. You are right where you need to be.
~ Letter to self

Open heart. Broken heart. Vulnerability. Surrender. Nurturing. Grief. Pain. Doubt. Divine.

I was inspired to write about the long, deeply emotional and often painful journey of self-love and relationship. Our relationship with self, our conditioning, and our trauma dictate the way we behave, the patterns we repeat, and how we disrespect and dishonor our own being and our own sacred bodies.

The Journey

Most of us don’t grow up learning how to nurture the self before others – to fall deeply in love with the self, to be in divine union with our soul and to be in full human expression of the divine. But this sovereignty and self-realization is the foundation for an expansive soul connection and conscious partnership.   

I have been on this journey for many years. I have felt deep love, ecstasy and expansion but also deep pain, shame, grief, and despair. Our human journey of arriving at true self-love and expression is not an easy one. It is called spiritual and healing work for a reason… it is work and it requires courage and commitment to go to depths and into the shadow of your existence.

I have dated, I have expanded emotionally and sexually, I have had my heart broken and I have broken my own, I have surrendered to pain and deep grief and sat in it and allowed it to teach me where I still need(ed) to grow, I have set boundaries and allowed people to self-select out of my life – either because they don’t understand my journey, they don’t understand or like the boundaries I have set for myself, or my energetic expansion is bringing up triggers for them they are not ready to embrace. I am slowly but surely relaxing into accepting and loving myself more fully but I am nowhere near done with this process.

Listening to Alyson and Luke tell their story of finding each other and all the work they put into evolving as spiritual beings so this could happen felt hopeful and expansive to me; It felt like confirmation that what I am going through is the work I need to do to arrive at the place where I can be ready to receive the kind of deep, conscious, and sacred relationship that I know is possible.

And this is why I am choicefully (… yes, I know this isn’t a word) still single. This is why I cannot settle for a “meh” or “good enough” or “great on paper” type of relationship. What I know is possible is a deep karmic soul connection that brings forth the light and dark in us and that can be a safe container for further self-realization. The type of sacred connection that creates a space and container for two individuals who have done the work to arrive at a place of sovereignty – as individuals who know unabashedly who they are, what their purpose is in this lifetime, and who are in deep communion with source (which also is a very personal experience).

As Alyson and Luke describe their own stories of healing – Luke learned about his dysfunctional, addictive and codependent patterns through multiple different relationships with different people before arriving at a point where he decided that he needed some time to really work on his relationship with self, for himself and by himself, including being celibate.

Alyson on the other hand had an almost two-decade long relationship where she allowed herself to be disrespected and dishonored before realizing that she needed solo time to heal and cultivate deep self-love and self-respect; spending many years living alone, single and celibate for almost 5 years.

I love that they shared their journey so much because it shows that there is no “right” way to heal. We all choose our lessons and also have karma and generational healing that we are here to do. Some choose to heed the call and others get stuck in the perpetual cycle of dysfunction and succumb to it.


The Healing

I often write about how the spiritual journey and the journey of healing is not an easy one at all. It requires awareness, sovereignty, and boundaries – all while keeping an open heart, a willingness to go deeper and face our shadow, and courage to be seen in all of our power. 

Whew – this is hard work and takes time. Some, like Alyson, are able to uncover and learn a lot of these lessons through their connection with Source alone. And others learn their lessons in relationships with others and their environment. For most, it is a combination of both – but there is no recipe or timeline that can be put on it.

There is no ‘paint-by-the-numbers’ guide nor a set timeline to arrive at fully embodied self-love and sacred partnership. What makes this journey even more difficult is that society tells us there is something wrong with us if we choose to be on this path of spiritual expansion and sovereignty as a foundation rather than succumbing to marriage, kids, and a union based on outdated gender roles and ideals.

The Conditioning 

We are conditioned to believe that love looks like a prince riding in on a white horse to save and choose us. We also approach love as a tit for tat – if you love me first, then I will love you back. We wait for others to choose us first, to be vulnerable first. However, our love and the depths of our love should never be dependent on someone else choosing to love us. Do you recognize how backwards that is? Do you recognize that putting your worthiness of love in the hands of others makes you completely powerless?

We model to others the love we want and the respect we deserve by how we love and respect ourselves and how we choose to share our love. If the sharing of our love is conditional so will be the love we receive.

We are also conditioned to believe that love never leaves us and never hurts us. But fact is that love is pain. We cannot feel one without the other. We cannot feel deep unconditional love without also feeling the depths of pain and grief.

When our heart breaks, it hurts. But when our heart breaks, it is an invitation to let the light in and uncover where we still have healing to do. It is an invitation to be cracked open, to sit with the pain, and to invite healing by deeply honoring ourselves and our experience. As Mark Groves says: “Your heart isn’t broken, it’s open.”

The Goal 

Western society is not accustomed to women and men choosing a path that honors healing and expansion. This does not imply not dating, loving and being in relationships but it honors the process and the act of marriage is not the end goal but rather doing the work to arrive at a place where one can honor, love, and respect the self in order to invite and hold space for a sacred partnership with another sovereign spiritual being.   

Exercise:

Write a letter to your past self and / or your past lovers (you don’t need to send it but more power to you if you do). Use this exercise to clear your past, forgive yourself and others, appreciate the lessons and open your heart to yourself and others.