Posted on August 10, 2021
***Excerpt of my book W.I.T.C.H. to be released 2022***
No matter how long I have been on this spiritual path and how consistent I am in my practice, there are and always will be times when I fall back into the linear and fear-based thinking of this World. I am human after all. When I am in that fear-based thinking, I can quickly spiral into thoughts of not being loveable, of not being deserving, of having missed my chance or for having made the “wrong” decisions.
A recent example of this for me is the fact that I am in my late 30s and I would really love to experience being a mother. Being unmarried and without children in my late 30s also causes many people to make assumptions about the choices I made in life. One of them being that I choose my career and money over love and family. But in reality, it just isn’t that simple. I know now, that I had to have certain experiences to learn lesson that didn’t involve me being a wife or a parent. I also know that I still have emotional healing to do to be able to fully receive the gift of being a mother. And then of course, there is also divine timing.
Although, I fully believe and trust in divine timing and that I will be a mother (not just because I have had very vivid visions, but because I feel it), I also have to factor in my biological age. In this scenario, we are pitting divine timing against biological age. This is the tightrope I am talking about.
For almost two years, the pressure of getting older had me in a spiral of fearful thoughts that I might be running out of time or that I might miss my opportunity. For two years, I went back and forth in my head “should I freeze my eggs?”, “should I have a child on my own?”, “should I start accepting that it might not happen?”. And, with those ego-driven “should I’s”, came feeling sorry for myself, and beating myself up. I would have thoughts such as “how did I end up here? How did I let this happen? Am I not deserving of having a family?”
When the thought around freezing my eggs never left me, that’s how I knew I had to do something. I had to either decide to act on the nagging or decide to hand it over to the Universe – walking the tightrope. I decided I was going to do it. You see, when we have a consistent nagging thought or feeling, it is often a sign that you are being guided by Spirit to make a decision or take an action. Our spirit team can only guide us, but because we have free will, it is up to us to decide what direction we choose to go in. Ultimately, there is never a “wrong” decision; we might just end up taking a more scenic route.
Some might say that the spiritual thing to do would have been to have faith and to trust. For me, the right decision was to go ahead and freeze my eggs. How do I know that, you ask? Well, because as soon as I made the decision to invest in myself and go through with it – the nagging thoughts and fears left me and I felt relieved; even though my biological age and my circumstances hadn’t changed.
Additionally, I truly believe that for me this wasn’t just about the fear of not being a mother, but I also had to face my scarcity mindset which is an ongoing theme in my healing. Growing up in an immigrant family, life revolved around working hard to survive. My parents didn’t have the luxury to spend time on consciously healing themselves to become more self-aware and to recognize their own limiting beliefs; so I grew up with a mindset that ‘money doesn’t grow on trees’, ‘that you have to work hard for what you want’, and ‘that nothing is every handed to you’. And while I do believe in the value of hard work and I am proud of what my parents accomplished, I am also unlearning my limiting beliefs around money and abundance. This is walking the tightrope.
Making the decision to freeze my eggs made me face my own fear around spending a large sum of money – to tap into my ‘hard-earned’ savings which is synonymous with my sense of security. Having the ability to save absolutely provides a sense of security and there is nothing inherently wrong with that. However, holding on to or hoarding money out of fear that there won’t be enough is sending signals to the Universe that we don’t trust that we will be taken care of.
But when we take a step back and think about it, we realize that we cannot buy time, security, love or freedom. It is an illusion that we ‘buy’ into and why many of us get stuck on the hamster wheel of doing more and working harder in an effort to quench that underlying uncomfortable feeling of fear, insecurity, and scarcity.
When we see money as a finite or limited resource, or we harbor limiting beliefs that rich people are bad, or that we have to struggle to have it – then we block the flow of abundance that is available to us. We think that by holding on to money and by denying ourselves, we will amass more security. What we are actually doing is inhibiting the flow of energy and we are preventing ourselves from living an abundant life.
Just as we have to move stuck energy through our body to heal and to receive more energetic abundance like intuitive downloads, love, joy, happiness and peace – the same goes for money. Money is simply energy and therefore infinite. Once we come to understand that the abundance available to us is infinite, and we can work through our limiting beliefs around money and security, then we can loosen our grip and start to trust that we will be taken care of. This is certainly still a work in progress for me.
Sadly, the pressure to abide by certain timelines and socially acceptable and “successful” choices, as well as the conditioning and limiting beliefs are a road that cause many of us a great deal of pain and despair. Those that don’t do well in school are made to believe that they aren’t smart, those that don’t identify with cisnormativity or heteronormativity are wronged for who they identify as, who and how they love, those that don’t choose marriage and children by a certain age are considered selfish and I could go on and on.
So, for me, the decision to freeze my eggs was about sending a clear message to the Universe that I am choosing to be a mother. Energetically, it is less about whether or not I will actually use the frozen eggs to become a mother. Having a clear vision or even knowing that I will be a mother is great, but my point is that, that I had to align my energetic vibrations (mindset, beliefs etc.), my resources (money, community), and my actions in this physical world with the spiritual guidance I received.